No better way to spend a morning. (Taken with instagram)
A beautiful girl can make you dizzy, like you’ve been drinking Jack and Coke all morning. She can make you feel high full of the single greatest commodity known to man - promise. Promise of a better day. Promise of a greater hope. Promise of a new tomorrow. This particular aura can be found in the gait of a beautiful girl. In her smile, in her soul, the way she makes every rotten little thing about life seem like it’s going to be okay.
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Life.
Life is crazy. Life takes turns you’d never take and ends up in a place you most likely wouldn’t of guessed. I’m not sure what to make of life anymore. It’s not the rock solid, “fuck it, I wonder what I’m going to do today” motto anymore. Life to me is a tomorrow and what it’ll bring for the next day.
I hate my job, I hate most people I see most often. I hate that I don’t see who I love. I hate that I don’t say what I want to people that matter to me. I wonder if everyone has people that are important in the smallest way to everyday life to them, and those people don’t even know it.
I’m going to go back to school. Fuck money, fuck where I’ll live, fuck who I’ll be with. I want to go back to school, to work in a hospital. I want to drop what I’m doing and see those I love and care about. I want to not make money, but get by so I don’t have to worry when the next payday is going to come.
I’m going to figure out my financials, figure out school and go for it. I may even try to find a job at a nursing home or hospital soon. Like really try. I love helping out when people need it most. I love old people. I love kids.
Fuck it, I feel really optimistic. I always start with this, see an obstacle, and stop in my tracks in fear that I won’t succeed. I always take the safe route. Not today or tomorrow. I’m gonna set out soon to find work I’ll enjoy, and build an education to get me somewhere.
Hell yeah.
I wonder.
I wonder if he knew just how much he meant to me? How every word and action I hang onto like my life depends on it. I wouldn’t be remotely close to who I am today without him. The sole individual in life I’ve never questioned. I’ve never seen a flaw in such a man. I strive every single day to make him proud and follow right behind in his footsteps.
I wonder what he really thought of me during his dying days. If he just saw me as another grandchild, or something more. An extended son. If he thought of me as arrogant and a hollow face, or if he really knew I took every single thing he had ever taught me in life so deeply in my heart. How he taught me family is the only thing that matters in life. The only thing that you really need to be happy. Taught me even what family is. What it means to love.
It really hurts to write these things on here, but I think it’ll truly help me in the long term. It scares me because I still haven’t come to grips with everything. Still thinking like it’s yesterday and there isn’t going to be a tomorrow.
Never thought this day would come.
My entire life I’ve dreaded this day.
My Grandpa Hill passing away.
I’ve never had anyone so close and so loving. He was a best friend, a mentor, and a father to me. I’ve thought real hard since 2005 of what I would do the day he wasn’t going to be around anymore. Every time I thought about it I left myself with a blank stare, lost thoughts, and sharp pain in my heart.
Today would be that day and I’m better, but yet worse than I thought I would be. Probably hasn’t hit me for the worst yet.
We always had such a close relationship I’ve never seen between any two other people. Last week he bet me a nickel if I replaced my rotor in my motorcycle it wasn’t going to fix it. He’s always going to owe me that nickel.
I love you grandpa. More than I’ve ever loved before.
